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Despite being repeatedly told that all artists drink too much absinthe, cut their own ears off and only make money after they’re dead, I have always wanted to be one. Strangely, I haven’t grown out of it.
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I don't bite, but I will ask for real money.
Today Mum made us go to the museum of unnatural history. It was so lAME. She KNEW I was gonna go shopping with Chloe, but she just HAD to drag us out to some stupid old museum. It smelt of old people and was all boring.
They had this big dragon skeleton in the main hall and everyone was like "wooow" staring up at it as if they were catching flies with their mouths. But I wasn't bothered cause I know that it's only a cast anyway, cause real dragon bones are too valuable to be out like that. Morons.
We were there allllllll afternoon. Like 45 minutes. No phone signal. Nothing. Couldn't even Snapface Chloe to see what she was doing. It's just not fair. Mum knows I'm scared of owlbears, and she still made us go! Josh liked it, and that just makes it worse. He was all like "Oh, Katie look at this fat Yetti, it looks like you". Mum never even told him off. She's always loved him more.
I got an ice lolly though that was good.
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a dragon in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a dentist.
You see- for all their bluster and burning- destruction and devouring- dragons have yet to invent the electric toothbrush- and consequently have very poor oral hygiene. One point to the humans I say. Indeed it's a common theory that serious toothache is what makes dragons so narked off all the time. Thus it makes good sense to help them out with their gnashers just to ensure they don't get all agitated and torch a primary school.
Dragon dentistry however- is not something for the faint of heart, nor the flammable of composition. It takes a special kind of expertise to look death in the mouth- and then fix his teeth with big tweezers. This is the job of Dr Earnest Pimm & Sons professional dragon dentists. Est. 1813
Here we see a routine operation to remove a rotten tooth. Dr Pimm directs proceedings while second son Toby dons the asbestos suit (for safety) and operates the no 4 drill. Eldest son Arthur operates the saliva pump while 3rd son Anthony controls the nozzle. Of course the best way to placate a dragon while operating is to use sock puppets- a job which falls to the youngest Pimm- Maggie- who isn't technically a son but isn't worth changing all the branded stationary for either.
Once the last ray of sunshine had danced itself to darkness and the teal gloom had ripened to pitch black; he flipped the lamps on.
For some moments there was nothing. Just the fresh blackness and the humming of the electric lamps, accompanied by the peculiar noises of the craft itself; like the occasional sound of fingers drumming on a brass bathtub. The porthole was a black disc.
Then out of the gloom a light became visible; just for a second it blinked on- then back to total darkness. Had he imagined it? Surely not. There it was again! Then another, closer this time. The flashes became brighter and more regular as the craft drew close, until finally their source became apparent. Jellyfish. Hundreds of them. Blinking and pulsing in brilliant colours all around him. He pressed his nose eagerly to the glass. He'd never seen anything like it.
But it was not was he was looking for…